Tonight I sit here and ponder. My heart feels raw, open and deeply painful. Tears roll down my cheeks nearly uncontrollably. There are days when I think I can’t continue on because the pain of being alone is sooo deep that it slices the center of my heart and then it feels so heavy I don’t know if I can bear the weight.

I grew up surrounded with people; friends, family and community. I had deep, somewhat meaningful relationships. I was able to have deep conversations with my friends. Granted I was known to think outside the box so not all conversations were welcome to the other parties.

Why has my life taken this path? It wasn’t at all what I ever imagined my life to look like. I love people, entertaining, being among friends and having fun.

I always thought I would find my soulmate, the love of my life. Someone with which to share life, divide my sorrows and double my joys. I think of the lost loves of my life, that chose another life.

Then I think of those who married the one they thought was their soulmate, but now they live a very lonely life. Some still married without connection, some divorced and alone now.

I love kids and wanted several kids (I actually wanted a dozen) because the more the merrier. I visualized a life of fun and laughter with no dull moment.  Little kids, teenagers… I wanted all of it.

Fun times….          play times….           difficult times…..          fights….          love…..          Hugs & Kisses!

Then I think of those that do have kids and yet they are alienated from them due to no fault of their own. I can’t imagine how deeply painful it must be.

I did lose a child at 22. She wasn’t my flesh and blood, but I cared for her as a baby for the first year of her life while her mother was in prison. Then her mother wanted her back. It was heart-wrenching to let her go as she wanted NO ONE else but me. She was terrified of strangers. But the day came that I had to let her go. I fed her the last bottle I would ever give her, rocked her to sleep, laid her on the bed, whispered love to her, softly gave her one last kiss and walked out of her life. The most painful of all was a few weeks later I found out the mother took her out on the streets to beg for money for drugs. I wanted to go get her. The mother asked me to come get her, but ‘the powers that be‘ would not allow me to go. One day the neighbor called me and said the mother put my little baby in a cardboard box on a cold winter night and placed her on the doorsteps of another neighbor’s house. My heart broke and ripped in 2  and I spent hours in agony over this. I wanted my baby girl back, but she was now in the custody of CPS and I was 6 hours away and not licensed. I cried for her and prayed for her. This picture of the angel watching over her was a solace for me.

I think of conversations I have had with others. Others that feel lonely and struggle with it. Why this loneliness in a big world full of people? What are we looking for? There must be more that we seek.

I often ask myself: is the life I chose and why did I?  What is yet to be seen that I am still unaware of? All my life even as a kid and teenager I wanted to know that my life was making a difference in someone else’s life. I thought it really isn’t about me and what I want, and yet here I find myself so immensely lonely. All I long for is connection and something so deep I don’t know it is even possible to experience here on this earth.

All the loneliness, the pain, the hurt we experience here…. It seems there is something more…. the more I connect with my spirit, the eternal part of me, the more disconnected I feel here. Yet I long for connection… Deep connection, the connection must be outside of this life here on earth.

This is perhaps the reason for the intense desire I have for connection to the spirit realm we seem to know so little of. Angels among us, guiding, helping, directing, encouraging. I do think we are meant to be able to see and be aware of them. But we get so wrapped up in the things of this earth (the world) that we lose sight of the spirit realm in the third heaven.  This connection is the connection we are really looking for. This connection lies within us. Our Spirit is meant to be connected to the Spirit Realm in the third heaven.